Today in China

Following a previous post, here is another version of the “You Know You’ve Been in China Too Long When…” list, reorganized and with some new items!

At Mealtime…

1. A few shots of baijiu don’t even give you a buzz.
2. You’re at an expensive western restaurant and don’t even notice the guy at the next table yelling into his
   cell phone
3. A June 2000 Great Wall Cabernet (mixed with Sprite) is your vintage of choice
4. You think of ’salad’ as diced apples in mayonnaise
5. When someone says ’snack’, you think: salted cuttlefish.
6. You don’t recognize a bowl of chicken soup unless there’s feet and a head in it.
7. You only drink beer from one litre bottles.
8. You invite friends for dinner and serve 1,000 year old eggs as an appetizer.
9. You crave salt…all the time.
10. You feel awkward using a knife and fork.
11. You think pork belongs as a flavouring in all foods.
12. Your favourite pizza toppings are corn and shrimp.
13. You think that all table cloths are made from plastic.
14. Ashtrays doubles as a spittoon.
15. The table doubles as a spittoon.

When travelling by Plane…

1. You always are first to retrieve all your carry-on luggage from the overhead bins between landing and arrival at the gate.
2. You think 3 separate security checks in an airport is acceptable
3. You have carry on luggage made from red, white and blue nylon sheeting.
4. You sprint frantically from the tarmac to the airplane to ensure you get a seat.

Fashion means…

1. you get your haircut on the sidewalk.
2. You leave the ‘Garbano’ designer label conspicuously on the jacket sleeve.
3. You like those Frankenstein shoes on women.
4. You don’t bother to take the sticker off the lenses of your fake Ray-Bans.
5. You enjoy wearing flip flops on all occasions
6. In the summer, you roll the legs of your pants up to your knees whenever you sit down.
7. (men) And you roll your shirt up to your nipples.
8. You wear a suit when you dig ditches or do home repairs
9. You have a purse and you are male

For entertainment…

1. You enjoy karaoke.
2. You walk backwards in the park listening to a transistor radio.
3. The China Daily is your source for hard hitting, fast breaking, investigative journalism.
4. You have grown used to the picture quality of pirated VCDs
5. Badminton and ping pong are your main forms of exercise.
6. You watch ‘xiaqi’ (Chinese chess) on TV religiously.
7. You find yourself “getting back to nature” in a park that contains nothing but concrete and a giant revolutionary statue.

Around Town…

1. You smoke in crowded elevators.
2. All white people look the same to you.
3. You like the smell of the bus
4. Open spaces make you nervous.
5. You find state-employed retail staff helpful, knowledgeable and friendly.
6. People with bright white teeth look frightening to you.
7. You no longer need tissues to blow your nose.
8. Other foreigners seem foreign to you.
9. You find yourself exiting a major highway…on your bike.
10. You find yourself staring at anyone foreign to China, worse still, your first thought is What the fuck are they doing in China?
11. You think that $5 is a good starting price when negotiating the price of a new Chrysler.
12. You think that Taxis in China are expensive.
13. You think that the Beijing air is fresh in the morning.
14. You think all beggars are millionaires in disguise.

In the WC…

1. You find western toilets uncomfortable
2. You throw your used toilet paper in the basket (as a courtesy to the next person)
3. Those footprints on the toilet are yours.

Your Health…

1. You go to the hospital at the first signs of a cold.
2. You think that the heavy air actually contains valuable nutrients that you need to stay healthy.
3. Any discomfort causes you to think there might be something wrong with your ‘Qi’.
4. You don’t notice your gastrointestinal problems anymore.
5. Your body no longer accepts dairy products.

Communication means…

1. You draw characters on your hand to make yourself understood.
2. You ask people in what animal year they were born.
3. You measure distances in ‘Li’
4. You think you speak Chinese fluently

Social Customs…

1. Squatting becomes your favourite position, anytime, anywhere.
2. The last time you visited your mother you presented her with your business card.
3. Your handshake is weakening by the day.
4. You think a 30 year old woman who carries a Hello Kitty lunch box is cute.
5. You would never think of entering your house without first removing your shoes
6. You think your nose IS kind of big.
7. You dont double take when you see someone has left a used pad or tampon at the top of your bin finally….

   You read this list and understood everything.

   Feel free to add any in your posts

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